kellystowell: (Default)
[personal profile] kellystowell
I've always wanted to be creative...and now I learn that I can't express my emotions, so being creative is right out.

Well...acting is right out. I'm 5 for 5 on refusals....rejections....for MFA programs...and this last one actually sent me a letter indicating "WHY". I'm not in touch with my emotions...I can't portray them. I have no natural talent, and therefore nothing to build on. I've spent my whole life pushing down my emotions so I don't have to feel them, and now when I Need to feel them, they are not there.

Singing...I have an average voice...and that's only because I've beat it into submission...and worked on it to be more than merely mediocre. I'm never going to have what it takes to sing in any venue besides with a choir, or in front of friends who love me.

Before any of this, I wanted to be a horse person...and I had horses all my life, but was never a natural horseman...and only ever got up to about mediocre...Do we see a pattern, here?

I just am at a loss...I don't know what to do next.

There's probably more to write, but I have to go to work. At least I'm good at that. Too bad I don't enjoy it.

Date: 2012-03-25 03:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Obviously you're depressed by this turn of events. My suggestion would be to walk away from it for a little while, and then go back and look at it again.

Honey, the truth is that the majority of people who practice a craft or skill or sport are mediocre. That's what "average" means. And they (we) do it out of love or the pure enjoyment of it. Not everyone can be a master of their craft, and the world would be a poorer place without the local theaters and entertainers and sports teams.

If you still feel that theater is your ideal career, well, there are other venues. Many of my friends tried to break into theater in NYC. None of them made it, but most of them went on to have happy careers in the entertainment world. One is well-known in regional theater and cabaret; another is a very successful casting director; another is now a wealthy man because as a stage asst in the CT trial run of "Annie," he was sent out to find and train a dog as Sandy :) Others were stage managers, voice-over talent, actors in training films. There are so many other roads.

I'm not saying don't grieve your dream, but I am saying don't let your road end with that.

Date: 2012-03-25 10:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I totally agree.

Date: 2012-03-25 09:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The things you *do* have, a lot of others lack. You have the passion and drive for the creative arts that is just as important (and sometimes moreso) than talent alone. Don't let what someone else says get in the way of your dreams.

Take a small break, think about what keeps bringing you back to the arts, keep going at it.

Date: 2012-03-26 07:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Love you, Kellumz.

You're way too hard on yourself, by far. You gave yourself an ultimatum, decreeing if XXx doesn't happen before YYy, I'm going to ZZz. You wouldn't allow someone else to demand such things from you, so don't allow you to either.

I say if theatre is your thing, stick with your thing. Who cares what the critics say if what you're doing brings you joy?

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