kellystowell | (no subject)

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First wave of housekeeping done...I don't think that I removed anyone who reads me, anyway, but if I did, and you wish to continue reading, please pipe up, and I'll add you back. I just removed people who don't post, or who don't ever comment. Now, I might have screwed up, so do let me know if this is the case. I'll leave this unlocked for a few days, then it'll go under wraps.

I also did some revamping of filters...some stuff that I write about, I want your opinions on. If I don't ever get 'em, I figure that you really don't want to know...so there ya go. Not *trying* to be passive aggressive...just doing a little 'splainin'.

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Well, my little bit of time off has turned into like...three weeks.

I really don't think that I'm cut out for relationships...at all.

Hey, if you need three weeks, or whatever, then that's what you need. I've been known to tell people it's really in their best interest to let me have the time, because I am in such an icky state that I will not be pleasant to be around. Not that I mean to be unpleasant, just that I am. Til I get through it.

I like being around people for the most part, though. But another reason I think it's probably better that I didn't end up having kids... you really can't reasonably just tell them to leave you alone for a while. You can't stop the noise and the "crap what are they doing now" and the noise of their friends and games and whatever. I think if I was a parent, especially when I was young, I'd probably adjust. But looking at it from my present POV... I'm not so sure.

Hey, I'm curious about something, and I know you don't usually mind questions like this, so I'm gonna throw it out there. If it is something you wouldn't want to answer, though, feel free to say that. You won't hurt my feelings.

Do you find that living one place pretty much feels like anywhere else? I'm not saying the weather is identical or that some homes aren't physically nicer than others. I'm not even sure if I can really define what I'm saying, except that I've always had this ability to kind of "norm" wherever I land. Like moving here... I can definitely say it's different from Columbus. I live in a beautiful, large house, I have a man who loves me living with me, I have a job that is going pretty well and allows me a lot of control over when and where I work and what I do when I'm working, the traffic here blows so badly I feel homicidal, and I miss my Goldilocks to pieces. In fact, I miss just having female friends around!!! So it is definitely different, but I never felt that sense of alienation or like a culture shock that a lot of people say they do when they move. And I've always been that way. Everywhere I've lived it just felt okay to me, and I was pretty much at ease from the get go. Does that even make any sense?

And hey, I don't know if you remember that I asked a long time ago about your experience with performance theory. That time I didn't do a good job of explaining what I meant, and I had already packed those books so I couldn't even trot out names. I know where some of them are now, if you're interested in knowing what the heck I was talking about. :o) If you haven't read these people you might like their ideas and insights about performance. Just let me know.

:o)

Sure, hit me up with the performance theory thing. Honestly I don't remember you asking about it. Was I in the middle of a show when you asked? If so, that's why I don't remember you asking...swear to God, shows eat my brain cells, and I sort of slip into sort of ... huh...I don't know quite how to put this... I become very detached from my life, and sort of sink into my character to the point where it's ridiculous. I mean, I don't *become* my character in real life or anything weird like that...I just sort of feel more invested on stage than I do in my life, and shit gets crazy. I become very testy with people, forgetful about obligations, resentful of any expectations that others have of me, stay extremely tired all the time...but when I'm rehearsing, or working with another actor...I feel most alive. I think it may be a little insane. I don't think I've ever even articulated all of this to myself quite this thoroughly...thanks for the pulpit...haha...

Now...what was I going to say? Ummm...oh! About the living in different places thing...

RIGHT!

I have a theory about that. You know why it feels the same (yes, I know exactly what you mean!) everywhere you go? I do. (haha...presumptuous of me, ain't it?) I've given this a lot of thought over the years, actually. It's because, wherever you go - there you are. By that, I mean that you, Patt, are an individual who embraces diversity, and you are who you are...and by *that*, I mean that whether you're in Timbuktu or Peoria, you are inherently Patt...*you* don't change, only your location changes. Your circumstances may change, but *you* don't. Same with me...same with everybody, really. At least, that's the way I see it!

Haha...thank you for allowing me to present my dissertation!

I like your dissertation. I should pretend that I've spent all this time in heavy contemplation of it. The truth is that I have been thinking of it at random times, and mulling over it.

I don't think you're wrong that, wherever I go, whatever I do, I am pretty much the same person. The sticking point is that I wonder if all the people who don't have that feeling, and it seems to me that more people are totally unsettled when uprooted, are more dependent on the environment for their senses of self. It's kind of difficult for me to imagine that, but then it's often difficult to really, truly understand a feeling that's pretty alien for you, right?

This probably sounds really corny, but to me, after we got so close, Kim was my home. I would have lived with her in a carboard box and not been truly unhappy. I would, of course, have wanted to get us somewhere safer and more comfortable, but I wouldn't have gone to such a place and left her behind. Home without Kim wasn't home. That's one of the reasons losing her was so devastating to me. One of the reasons why it still is. We always said that, no matter what else happened, Poppy and Bird belong together.

Now while I'm flying in a holding pattern it doesn't really seem to matter to me if I fly in a holding pattern in Columbus or Cincinnati or somewhere in Colorado.

I dunno if that even makes sense or is just my brain dumping. :o)

It makes sense to me. You and Kim were a unit. It's like the animals that mate for life (even though you weren't "mates")...when you take away one, the other keeps living, and goes on doing their animal things, but there's always something missing. I realize that the parallel isn't *exact*, but I think you get my drift.

Along with the "some of us do fine, and some flounder" thing...some of us *flourish* on change...I like to think that it's because we know that we can adapt...can count on ourselves to be ourselves, no matter the circumstances. I've started over so many times...moved to new places where I knew nobody...and always made it. I'm not the most confident person in the whole world, but I *am* an actor, and I just fake it til I make it. And I truly do crave change. I don't want my life to be "beige"...and I get that feeling from you, very strongly, as well. We just aren't beige type people. Beige = no bueno.

:o)

It really is comforting to me to feel that some people "get it". I know there are still a lot of people out there who have trouble in any way wrapping their heads around gay relationships. It's probably completely impossible for them to understand or accept a relationship that doesn't fit into traditional hetero or homosexual norms. Although, as I'm typing this, I am thinking about literary queer theory, and how our relationship would fit there. Broadly construed, queer theory embraces all same-sex relationships as "queer". :o) We always said I was family, but adopted family, so I was loved but didn't quite fit the mold. *laughing*

I hadn't thought about those mated animals. It is a good metaphor. I wonder if other animals ever acknowledge the missing one. I can tell you that, ime, there are a lot of people, even people who love me and loved Kim, who don't want to acknowledge things. Nobody has been so mean or rude as to say so, but, as you've probably seen me mention before, when I mention her I get the silence, the averted eyes, the quick change of subject. I'm ridiculously stubborn sometimes, though, so I haven't stopped.

I don't know if I flourish on change. I miss my female friends, I miss my neighborhood, I miss knowing where to go to find what I want. My job helps a little with that last one. I know exactly where to go for some unusual things now... ooh, like, as of this morning, I can tell you where to go for theater supplies! I was in a theater supply company this morning, and it has a showroom open to the public. Lots of wigs, a tremendous amount of wonderful fabrics, and so forth. Awesome!

But I do thrive on trying new things. I love it, as a matter of fact.

Tommy, on the other hand, is pretty much what you would call beige. I usually say what a friend once observed: he is a very cautious man. Honestly, some times to the point that I end up in stitches. I try not to, because I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings, but sometimes I can't help it. And so far he just stares at me in wonder and says, over and over, "Is it really that funny?"

I will provide an example, for fun as well as illustrative purposes. One time I mentioned to him that I wished I had bought an area rug I saw at VOA thrift. It was so cool that someone snapped it up before I could get back to grab it. He said he would never, ever buy a used rug or even really want one in his house. Why? Well (and I swear I'm not making this up), what if someone had done drugs on or over it, like snorting cocaine, and there were still traces of it in the rug? If for some reason the police came into our house, and just happened to have drug sniffing dogs, the dogs might alert on the rug and the next thing you knew we'd be in prison on drug charges.

I'm telling you, I stared at him. I seriously thought he must be pulling my leg. Not a chance. Dead serious. I don't know why I was surprised. I already knew there were lots of foods he'd never tried because he was worried he wouldn't like them or the name just sounded weird. There were lots of places he'd never have gone for similar reasons. Then here I come, feeding him those foods and taking him to drag shows and fetish parties and so on. :oD I know he is happier for it, because I can see him having a good time, enjoying things, and then later I hear him telling people about it. It's been fun for me to watch him sort of coming out of his self-imposed exile from experience.

*nod* It sounds like Tommy and Phil are a lot alike...but the stuff that amuses you DROVE ME NUTS (and not in a good way). Of course there's some age disparity between Tommy and Phil...and I just didn't/don't understand how a man gets to 50+ years of age, and not only hasn't tried new things, but has no desire to. (we're talkin'...this man has never had a bowl of chili in his life...it's that crazy!) I just couldn't cope. I'm glad that you are enjoying it, though...maybe if I wasn't so old, myself, and hadn't been around the block so many times, I would/could be amused, but nope...I'm just not!

Tommy had never had bread pudding. He was even at Kim and my St. Pat's party, where I served Irish whisky bread pudding. From the first year I made it people have been crazy for it. That year there was even a group that was about to leave- had another party to get to- and when they heard the bread pudding was coming out of the oven they took off their coats and set back down. :o) Saying that might sound very vain of me, but it's not like I made up the recipe, and I think it makes the fact that Tommy didn't even try a single bite all the more strange, in my mind at least! People are raving over it and changing plans a bit so they can have some and I have to make two large pan fulls because it's so popular that everyone forgets any dieting nonsense. And why did he avoid it? Because it "sounded weird". It's just so, so different from me!

So I wouldn't be surprised if chili was on that list, too, except that I think his mom probably made chili when he was a kid. I know mine did. And Cincinnatians really are fanatical about chili- almost like people are about sports in other cities. It's amazing.

Honestly, I've always embraced, or tried to embrace, the idea that when people are dying they don't regret their failures... they regret the chances they didn't take. But I don't find that there are very many people that embrace that, or try to. For instance, for years now I've wanted to go kayaking with Orcas. They gather in parts of the ocean off Alaska at a certain time of year, and there are companies that take people out in sea kayaks to see them.

The main reason I've never done it is that it costs a couple thousand dollars, and that's without the expense of actually getting oneself to and from Alaska, and, in most cases, without the expense of finding a place to sleep while you're there. I'd guess that it's easily a three to four thousand dollar trip, and I have just never, ever been close to affording that.

But I have also never found a friend who would even entertain the thought of going, even if it was free. Most of them think I've gone round the bend. "You want to get out on the water with Orcas, and you're only in a sea kayak?" I explain that sea kayaks are not like the ones people usually think of when they think of kayaking. Not only do you not roll in them, but they're designed in such a way that it's very difficult to tip them at all.

You might remember me mentioning my cousin Robert in other entries. He's very smart, has made himself very wealthy... and he loves adventures. He loves trying things solely for the sake of the experience. He calls it being an "omnivore", for the desire to gobble up so many kinds of experiences. He told me once that he finds it to be a very rare quality, so much so that, including me and him, he's only known of about four people he would consider omnivores. He said that Tommy would probably never be able to understand why I want to do some of the things I want to do, but, as long as we loved one another and he was supportive of my desire to do such things, he didn't think that was really a bad thing.

Part of that is, and I would be shocked if I'm wrong that you are like this, too, I don't mind doing things by myself. If I am ever flush enough to go kayaking with Orcas, I'll go. I wouldn't at all mind sharing the trip with someone who was also very excited about it, but I actually loathe people who "just go along so you won't have to be alone". Oh yes, like having someone moping along next to me, bored or scared or even just unhappy, is going to help me enjoy something I've dreamed of all my life. More like it would ruin it! And I am FINE on my own, REALLY!!!

Btw, you don't have much on me in the getting old category, sister. :o) Possibly much more in the been around the block thing, though. As I've said, I never could let anyone treat me disrespectfully, so I never stayed in a love relationship very long. It seems as though there are a lot of men out there who think that if a woman is overweight she'll put up with all kinds of crap just to keep a man in her life. *BZZZZZZT!*

Having Kim in my life arguably taught me to have patience, too. I don't come by it naturally! :o)

d00d...I would TOTALLLY go kayaking with Orcas! I didn't even know that such a thing existed! Now I'm gonna have to go and research it a little bit.

I would also bungee jump, parasail, skydive...would love to drive a race car (just once!). I think if I ever got started, I'd be one of those weirdos that people talk about who do extreme things for the "high"...except I'm not in it for a "high"...I just want to do everything. heh.

That bread pudding sounds freakin' awesome, and I think that you should share the recipe. :o)

And I have a theory about your "Oracles" post, but I'm not sure I've got it all strung together, yet.

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