(no subject)
If there were 99 things about me, I would hate 98.6 of them.
Entry tags:
OMG...
Grad school is SO crazy...
I just had to drop out of a film because its shoot dates are the same dates as KCACTF, where I committed to being a scene partner, way back in November.
I'm liable to have to drop another film, as well.
fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Also...I need Aliza down here...because people are assholes, and don't want to give anything without compensation.
She can design a poster, design a set...design lights, and then build the sets, hang the lights, focus them, and run both boards.
And she's not in grad school. These people fucking wear me out. Honestly.
I just had to drop out of a film because its shoot dates are the same dates as KCACTF, where I committed to being a scene partner, way back in November.
I'm liable to have to drop another film, as well.
fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Also...I need Aliza down here...because people are assholes, and don't want to give anything without compensation.
She can design a poster, design a set...design lights, and then build the sets, hang the lights, focus them, and run both boards.
And she's not in grad school. These people fucking wear me out. Honestly.
(no subject)
Dear Me,
Answer these when you get yourself settled.
Love,
Me
1) What job do you wish you could do again?
2) What was your favorite performance?
3) What aspects of MA and GA would you mix if you could?
4) Is there a place you would live if you could if money were no object?
5) What is your preferred way to travel?
Answer these when you get yourself settled.
Love,
Me
1) What job do you wish you could do again?
2) What was your favorite performance?
3) What aspects of MA and GA would you mix if you could?
4) Is there a place you would live if you could if money were no object?
5) What is your preferred way to travel?
(no subject)
I'm just about 90% motherfuckin' done.
I'm so tired of being undervalued and underwanted and underloved.
My self-esteem is so fucking low, anyway, and this trip home has really just re-inforced how much of a nothing and a nobody that I am with the people who are supposed to love me, best.
I'm angry, and it's a wonder I haven't managed to drink myself to death.
Chris's children are assholes...they came into my life overly-ignored by their mother, and overly-indulged by Chris. Me, I never wanted kids, whatsoever, but I battled for both of them...now Andreas is almost 30, and Aliza is almost 25. Neither seem to give much of a shit about Chris...and they sure as fuck don't give two shits for me...and I'm done with it.
The man I've been ... oh, fuck him...he has no time for me, and he called me a name that sent my esteem into the floor...as in...right out of my body. Fuck him. With a broom handle.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I wish I could just *poof* disappear.
I'm so tired of being undervalued and underwanted and underloved.
My self-esteem is so fucking low, anyway, and this trip home has really just re-inforced how much of a nothing and a nobody that I am with the people who are supposed to love me, best.
I'm angry, and it's a wonder I haven't managed to drink myself to death.
Chris's children are assholes...they came into my life overly-ignored by their mother, and overly-indulged by Chris. Me, I never wanted kids, whatsoever, but I battled for both of them...now Andreas is almost 30, and Aliza is almost 25. Neither seem to give much of a shit about Chris...and they sure as fuck don't give two shits for me...and I'm done with it.
The man I've been ... oh, fuck him...he has no time for me, and he called me a name that sent my esteem into the floor...as in...right out of my body. Fuck him. With a broom handle.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I wish I could just *poof* disappear.
(no subject)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, 
circumspectly sent to me...
circumspectly sent to me...Twelve beets sleeping
Eleven lilacs camping
Ten rivers acting
Nine animals snuggling
Eight frogs a-swimming
Seven oceans a-kissing
Six movies a-reading
Five ho-o-o-ot tubs
Four horse shows
Three stuffed animals
Two medieval baebes
...and a banjo in a diversity.
Entry tags:
From elseweb:
The following is a long conversation I had, elseweb, with an acquaintence, tonight. A little ways in, I realized that I was talking to myself, as well as my conversation mate. So...I've cleaned up the convo, and stuck it here, so that I can come and shout it to myself, when needed. It's probably of no interest to anyone, but me...but this is a nice, safe place to put it.
She: I don't know what Kelly saw in me..
Me: Talent. Something out of the ordinary. Are you having a tough time?
She: Sorry...yeah
Out of the ordinary? ...I think he might've been the only one
Me: It's okay, girl...I've been having kind of a tough time, myself...I think it's a thing for first year grad students. I don't think he was the only one. you caught my eye when you were in the chorus for MEDEA...I never saw you in anything else, but I recall, quite vividly, asking Kelly who you were, because you were captivating.
She: No one else is seeing that
Me: Grad school is tough. i don't know what any of us expected, but we are all having some kinds of troubles.
did you get bad feedback, or something?
She: They haven't said any compliments to me but they have to my peers
Me: Okay. DO NOT compare yourself to them. This is your journey...don't concern yourself with their journey. Use this time to propel yourself forward. Do not work for the compliments of others...they are sometimes false. Just keep going out there and doing your best. I know it's tough...I know we all want words of positive feedback...
have they given you negative feedback? Given you good constructive criticism
?
She: I understand but NO ONE has said anything like Kelly ever
Me: Kelly has an eye for talent...not always the obvious talents...just keep working, girl...keep your chin up and keep bustin' that butt. I don't have a Kelly down here, either. I don't think Kellys come around very often.
She: Does he?...
Me: I think so, yes.
She: Byt he's the only one
Me: You can't sit there and doubt yourself...not all the time. Just because someone else gets a pat on the head....doesn't mean yours is not coming.
She: I know but it's strange
Me: How do you know? You don't know what people think...because people don't always say what they think..
so, email kelly and ask him what he saw in you...why he thought it would be good for you to go to grad school...I can't answer for him...but I reckon we are where we are for a reason.
someone saw something in us, or we wouldn't be here.
have you voiced these concerns to Ray?
She: Yes...
I don't know. I asked Kelly and he said he saw "deeply sincere passion and a sensitivity that that is deeply vulnerable.".
Me: Okay...so...you have those qualities...that's your truth...perhaps it's a truth that doesn't just throw itself right out there in the middle of the stage and demand that people watch...perhaps it's a truth that is quiet and beautiul, and not attention demanding....not all of us can "Sing out, Rose!"...Not all of us have a thing that hangs out there on a hook and demands attention all of the time.
All talents aren't the same. It would be fun if we were all Judi Densch or Bette Midler...but we aren't all those people.
She: Ha then who are we?
Me: The others. The ones in the indie films or the new plays or the teachers who prod unsure people onward...or whatever we can create out of our own talent. Not everyone can walk out there and be a mega-star, right off the bat.
I came to grad school with no delusions. I know I'm not everybody's cup of tea. I know that I'll never be a huge star...my talent isn't suited for that...but maybe I have the right talent to be a great supporting actor...or a fine-assed teacher...
I don't have to be everybody's favorite to have value.
and neither do you. you just have to do your work ... keep upping your game...play your truth...find what you have and throw it out there.
She: The indie people
Oh man
Me: Is that a bad thing? To be outside of the mainstream? Outside of the box? I mean...did you have some expectation of ...I don't know...being Judi Densch? I've always flown by the seat of my pants...so I have no real expectation. I'm not saying you can't BE mainstream...maybe you can! Maybe I can! But is there anything wrong with that not being the case?
I think that you have a great talent...I just don't want to see you get beaten down and throw your hands in the air because someone isn't throwing compliments your way every five minutes. I don't know what happened, or what was said, but if you didn't have talent, you wouldn't be where you are.
She: I know. I'm sorry kelly...
Me: Oh honey, don't be sorry...talking to you has also been talking to ME!
We are here to hold one another up when we need it!
She: But I don't know if I'm good
Me: Grad school is HARD...and harder for those of us who have bad or little self esteem.
If you weren't good, you wouldn't have gotten chosen for UNC...
Trust Kelly. What in the world would he lie to you for? What in the world does he have to gain?
She: I wasn't exactly chosen lol
Me: If they didn't want you there, you wouldn't be there.
She: Yes
But maybe I'm just mediocre
Me: girl.
up your game. play harder...dig deeper for more truth...
grad school ain't no joke...this isn't undergrad where they wipe your butt and send you on your way...
here it's WORK.
She: I'm scared I'll be a dime in a dozen
Me: so...make yourself NOT a dime a dozen. There is no magic pill...there is only work and digging deep and finding what only you have.
She: Exactly
But these people
...
Me: hitch up your confidence and get out there and make 'em see.
She: It's funny how I haven't been complimented like that ever since Kelly
Me: not to be crude, but fuck those people. you know? Do what they ask of you, and do it THE very best you can.
She: Haha
Me: Kelly is an honest dude when it comes to his students. Nothing in the whole world means more to him than his classrooms and the students in them, except his kids.
She: Does Kelly throw compliments easily?
Me: hahahahahahahaha....nooooooooooo
I've worked with that man for 10 years...and the answer is "NO"...he gives compliments when they are deserved, or when something touches him deeply...other than that...nope.
She: ...wow I can't understand
Me: don't worry about getting compliments from people...that's like waiting for roses on your birthday...a sure recipe for disaster.
Do they give you constructive criticism? Do they not give you anything?
She: They do...but I get no sense of "encouragement"
Me: The world is big, bad and ugly. Take their words...implement them. Do what needs doing, and whatever you can do to make yourself better. Supply your own encouragement. Are you busting your ass? Are you digging around in yourself to make things happen? If you are, GOOD! There is your encouragement. Undergrad was wonderful for the encouragement and the nurturing environment. This ain't undergrad. These people are not there to encourage us and to jolly us along. This is a whole different level...this is where we have to depend on ourselves...and not be told that we're wonderful, over and over. If they're telling other people stuff...well, maybe those people are weak and need the encouragement to proceed. Be the one who does not need to be coddled. Be the one who fights for what she wants, and goes out there and does everything in the world to get it.
(Girl, I'm talkin' to me, just as much as I'm talkin' to you...)
I have many of the same thoughts as you do...daily...sometimes hourly. Sometimes more than that. Sometimes I'm paralyzed by my own insecurity...then someone says something...or something pops into my head, and I'm like, "fuck these people! I am better than this...let's see what I can pull out of the hat!"
She: Lol woah you're a fighter
Me: I think that if we are going to be in this business, we can't be anything less than warriors...it's a tough business...
She: It is. That's what I have to understand. But I can't seem to be getting along with my peers
Me: ahhhhhhhh....
how so? are they stand-offish? Are youuuuu standoffish?
I'm such an introvert...I don't hang with my classmates, very much...but that's okay...I didn't come here to make friends, I came here to make a life for myself...
She: They are. I dunno
Me: we are all friendly enough...but I don't do all the socializing with them...I don't go to bars and do their little bullshitty shit...I have homework to do and lines to learn and sleep to be getting!
She: Yes!!
I think it's because I was the only one who got a follow up email from Ray
Me: So...you aren't a social butterfly. So what? Kelly Morgan is one of the most introverted, intense people I know...and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me.
follow up email? For what? I mean...???
She: Midterm evals
Me: why were you the only one who got one?
(now I'm just kind of lost...)
She: That's my question
Me: well, did it say bad stuff?
She: No just sounded ominous
Me: have you made an appointment with him to discuss it?
She: The conversation from midterm should not be repeated for final eval
I did
Me: I don't know what that means, "the conversation from midterm should not be repeated for final eval." what does that mean? was there some conversation? Ooh la, I am lost.
She: Progress must be made
Me: well, get in there and see what is missing, and then do your damndest to make it happen.
She: Yeah but why the hell was I the only one who got a follow up
Me: Don't go in and be desperate...just go in and ask the man what needs to happen, because this is your passion, and you want to succeed.
how do you know you were the only one?
She: I sorta asked
Me: asked whom?
She: My classmates
Me: Girl, even if every one of them got one, do you think they'd own up to it? Come on, you know better 1) than to ask folks stuff like that and 2) to believe what they say when they answer. You go talk to the sender of the letter. go in with your head up, and your steel will in place, ask what needs doing, tell them you intend to do it, and go on about your business...and make sure you get it done!
She: Uh I'm so naive
Me: Ha. It's okay...live and learn, you know!
Ya gotta fake it til you make it. if that means faking a great sense of ego and belief in yourself...ya just gotta do it. (I fall down on that one from time to time, but then someone says something, or I'm forced to step up, and I remember.)
She: It's because I let someone just step on me
Me: WELL, FUCK THAT PERSON, TOO! Girl...grow that backbone...you're gonna need it! Fuck 'em ALL....you gotta take care of yourself....So do it. Become the warrior you have to be! Toughen up. I love ya, honey...I think that you are immensely talented, and that you sell yourself short. I feel that you need to grow your sense of self and stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks of you....
She: Thank you kelly I've been crying lately
Me: Sometimes we do. Crying is...cathartic sometimes...but also self-indulgent, sometimes. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of having a pity party for yourself...you're better than that. C'mon now...buck up. Have your meeting, find out what's what, and you know...buckle down and kick your own ass all the way across the finish line. This is "for realsies"...we gotta be tough! Let me know what happens, if you want to...I'm here.
She: Thank you kelly. That means a lot.
Me: Well kid, I'm here...fighting my own battles and slaying my own dragons. We can share a sword from time to time, and do our best to encourage one another. It's a tough battle, but I think it will be so worth it, in the end.
She: Amen
Me: Now....get a good night's sleep, and get up tomorrow, and resolve to be strong for an hour. At the end of that hour...resolve for another...and on and on until you get home. Give yourself a little break, and then get right back with it. I'm here.
Nighty night, Sister. Sleep well. Eat well. Treat yourself well.
She: You too.
She: I don't know what Kelly saw in me..
Me: Talent. Something out of the ordinary. Are you having a tough time?
She: Sorry...yeah
Out of the ordinary? ...I think he might've been the only one
Me: It's okay, girl...I've been having kind of a tough time, myself...I think it's a thing for first year grad students. I don't think he was the only one. you caught my eye when you were in the chorus for MEDEA...I never saw you in anything else, but I recall, quite vividly, asking Kelly who you were, because you were captivating.
She: No one else is seeing that
Me: Grad school is tough. i don't know what any of us expected, but we are all having some kinds of troubles.
did you get bad feedback, or something?
She: They haven't said any compliments to me but they have to my peers
Me: Okay. DO NOT compare yourself to them. This is your journey...don't concern yourself with their journey. Use this time to propel yourself forward. Do not work for the compliments of others...they are sometimes false. Just keep going out there and doing your best. I know it's tough...I know we all want words of positive feedback...
have they given you negative feedback? Given you good constructive criticism
?
She: I understand but NO ONE has said anything like Kelly ever
Me: Kelly has an eye for talent...not always the obvious talents...just keep working, girl...keep your chin up and keep bustin' that butt. I don't have a Kelly down here, either. I don't think Kellys come around very often.
She: Does he?...
Me: I think so, yes.
She: Byt he's the only one
Me: You can't sit there and doubt yourself...not all the time. Just because someone else gets a pat on the head....doesn't mean yours is not coming.
She: I know but it's strange
Me: How do you know? You don't know what people think...because people don't always say what they think..
so, email kelly and ask him what he saw in you...why he thought it would be good for you to go to grad school...I can't answer for him...but I reckon we are where we are for a reason.
someone saw something in us, or we wouldn't be here.
have you voiced these concerns to Ray?
She: Yes...
I don't know. I asked Kelly and he said he saw "deeply sincere passion and a sensitivity that that is deeply vulnerable.".
Me: Okay...so...you have those qualities...that's your truth...perhaps it's a truth that doesn't just throw itself right out there in the middle of the stage and demand that people watch...perhaps it's a truth that is quiet and beautiul, and not attention demanding....not all of us can "Sing out, Rose!"...Not all of us have a thing that hangs out there on a hook and demands attention all of the time.
All talents aren't the same. It would be fun if we were all Judi Densch or Bette Midler...but we aren't all those people.
She: Ha then who are we?
Me: The others. The ones in the indie films or the new plays or the teachers who prod unsure people onward...or whatever we can create out of our own talent. Not everyone can walk out there and be a mega-star, right off the bat.
I came to grad school with no delusions. I know I'm not everybody's cup of tea. I know that I'll never be a huge star...my talent isn't suited for that...but maybe I have the right talent to be a great supporting actor...or a fine-assed teacher...
I don't have to be everybody's favorite to have value.
and neither do you. you just have to do your work ... keep upping your game...play your truth...find what you have and throw it out there.
She: The indie people
Oh man
Me: Is that a bad thing? To be outside of the mainstream? Outside of the box? I mean...did you have some expectation of ...I don't know...being Judi Densch? I've always flown by the seat of my pants...so I have no real expectation. I'm not saying you can't BE mainstream...maybe you can! Maybe I can! But is there anything wrong with that not being the case?
I think that you have a great talent...I just don't want to see you get beaten down and throw your hands in the air because someone isn't throwing compliments your way every five minutes. I don't know what happened, or what was said, but if you didn't have talent, you wouldn't be where you are.
She: I know. I'm sorry kelly...
Me: Oh honey, don't be sorry...talking to you has also been talking to ME!
We are here to hold one another up when we need it!
She: But I don't know if I'm good
Me: Grad school is HARD...and harder for those of us who have bad or little self esteem.
If you weren't good, you wouldn't have gotten chosen for UNC...
Trust Kelly. What in the world would he lie to you for? What in the world does he have to gain?
She: I wasn't exactly chosen lol
Me: If they didn't want you there, you wouldn't be there.
She: Yes
But maybe I'm just mediocre
Me: girl.
up your game. play harder...dig deeper for more truth...
grad school ain't no joke...this isn't undergrad where they wipe your butt and send you on your way...
here it's WORK.
She: I'm scared I'll be a dime in a dozen
Me: so...make yourself NOT a dime a dozen. There is no magic pill...there is only work and digging deep and finding what only you have.
She: Exactly
But these people
...
Me: hitch up your confidence and get out there and make 'em see.
She: It's funny how I haven't been complimented like that ever since Kelly
Me: not to be crude, but fuck those people. you know? Do what they ask of you, and do it THE very best you can.
She: Haha
Me: Kelly is an honest dude when it comes to his students. Nothing in the whole world means more to him than his classrooms and the students in them, except his kids.
She: Does Kelly throw compliments easily?
Me: hahahahahahahaha....nooooooooooo
I've worked with that man for 10 years...and the answer is "NO"...he gives compliments when they are deserved, or when something touches him deeply...other than that...nope.
She: ...wow I can't understand
Me: don't worry about getting compliments from people...that's like waiting for roses on your birthday...a sure recipe for disaster.
Do they give you constructive criticism? Do they not give you anything?
She: They do...but I get no sense of "encouragement"
Me: The world is big, bad and ugly. Take their words...implement them. Do what needs doing, and whatever you can do to make yourself better. Supply your own encouragement. Are you busting your ass? Are you digging around in yourself to make things happen? If you are, GOOD! There is your encouragement. Undergrad was wonderful for the encouragement and the nurturing environment. This ain't undergrad. These people are not there to encourage us and to jolly us along. This is a whole different level...this is where we have to depend on ourselves...and not be told that we're wonderful, over and over. If they're telling other people stuff...well, maybe those people are weak and need the encouragement to proceed. Be the one who does not need to be coddled. Be the one who fights for what she wants, and goes out there and does everything in the world to get it.
(Girl, I'm talkin' to me, just as much as I'm talkin' to you...)
I have many of the same thoughts as you do...daily...sometimes hourly. Sometimes more than that. Sometimes I'm paralyzed by my own insecurity...then someone says something...or something pops into my head, and I'm like, "fuck these people! I am better than this...let's see what I can pull out of the hat!"
She: Lol woah you're a fighter
Me: I think that if we are going to be in this business, we can't be anything less than warriors...it's a tough business...
She: It is. That's what I have to understand. But I can't seem to be getting along with my peers
Me: ahhhhhhhh....
how so? are they stand-offish? Are youuuuu standoffish?
I'm such an introvert...I don't hang with my classmates, very much...but that's okay...I didn't come here to make friends, I came here to make a life for myself...
She: They are. I dunno
Me: we are all friendly enough...but I don't do all the socializing with them...I don't go to bars and do their little bullshitty shit...I have homework to do and lines to learn and sleep to be getting!
She: Yes!!
I think it's because I was the only one who got a follow up email from Ray
Me: So...you aren't a social butterfly. So what? Kelly Morgan is one of the most introverted, intense people I know...and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me.
follow up email? For what? I mean...???
She: Midterm evals
Me: why were you the only one who got one?
(now I'm just kind of lost...)
She: That's my question
Me: well, did it say bad stuff?
She: No just sounded ominous
Me: have you made an appointment with him to discuss it?
She: The conversation from midterm should not be repeated for final eval
I did
Me: I don't know what that means, "the conversation from midterm should not be repeated for final eval." what does that mean? was there some conversation? Ooh la, I am lost.
She: Progress must be made
Me: well, get in there and see what is missing, and then do your damndest to make it happen.
She: Yeah but why the hell was I the only one who got a follow up
Me: Don't go in and be desperate...just go in and ask the man what needs to happen, because this is your passion, and you want to succeed.
how do you know you were the only one?
She: I sorta asked
Me: asked whom?
She: My classmates
Me: Girl, even if every one of them got one, do you think they'd own up to it? Come on, you know better 1) than to ask folks stuff like that and 2) to believe what they say when they answer. You go talk to the sender of the letter. go in with your head up, and your steel will in place, ask what needs doing, tell them you intend to do it, and go on about your business...and make sure you get it done!
She: Uh I'm so naive
Me: Ha. It's okay...live and learn, you know!
Ya gotta fake it til you make it. if that means faking a great sense of ego and belief in yourself...ya just gotta do it. (I fall down on that one from time to time, but then someone says something, or I'm forced to step up, and I remember.)
She: It's because I let someone just step on me
Me: WELL, FUCK THAT PERSON, TOO! Girl...grow that backbone...you're gonna need it! Fuck 'em ALL....you gotta take care of yourself....So do it. Become the warrior you have to be! Toughen up. I love ya, honey...I think that you are immensely talented, and that you sell yourself short. I feel that you need to grow your sense of self and stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks of you....
She: Thank you kelly I've been crying lately
Me: Sometimes we do. Crying is...cathartic sometimes...but also self-indulgent, sometimes. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of having a pity party for yourself...you're better than that. C'mon now...buck up. Have your meeting, find out what's what, and you know...buckle down and kick your own ass all the way across the finish line. This is "for realsies"...we gotta be tough! Let me know what happens, if you want to...I'm here.
She: Thank you kelly. That means a lot.
Me: Well kid, I'm here...fighting my own battles and slaying my own dragons. We can share a sword from time to time, and do our best to encourage one another. It's a tough battle, but I think it will be so worth it, in the end.
She: Amen
Me: Now....get a good night's sleep, and get up tomorrow, and resolve to be strong for an hour. At the end of that hour...resolve for another...and on and on until you get home. Give yourself a little break, and then get right back with it. I'm here.
Nighty night, Sister. Sleep well. Eat well. Treat yourself well.
She: You too.
(no subject)
Grad school has taken a turn for the better. My first four and a half weeks were rough, rough, rough. I seem to be in a better place, now...but man...I'm always starving to death and exhausted to death. By all counts, I should be totally dead.
I wish I had more to say...but I really don't.
I still don't know if I made the right decision in coming here. I just don't know.
I wish I had more to say...but I really don't.
I still don't know if I made the right decision in coming here. I just don't know.
(no subject)
I am so obsessed with this song, right now.
And hello, if you're still hanging around and wondering if I am still kicking.
I am still kicking. I've been in Savannah, GA for just shy of two months. School is moving right along, and I *think* I'm enjoying it. Sometimes it's hard to tell, ya know? Sometimes it's just hard to tell. Sometimes I feel like the biggest fraud in the universe. Sometimes I wonder what in the hell they saw in me when they asked me to come here. Sometimes I wonder why I have to be here at this point in my life...fifty years old, single (for God's sake...still), completely undone. Maybe I needed to come undone.
Then there are those other days...those days when everything clicks, and I think, "Ah, this is why!"
I have a cute little apartment full of fun things and kitchy things. I am blessed with wonderful friends, both at home, and my BFF, who is only sixish hours away. The weather is still very humid and sticky. I'm told that it's going to go beautiful just *any* day, now. I have a sweet beach bike that I roll around town on. I have my little Murph truck, who mostly sits on the street, and gets driven, maybe, a couple times a week. I found the gym that is free to SCAD students, and its pretty fine...I just need to get myself there on a regular basis. I have a Voice lesson guy who seems to really want to collaborate about my voice, instead of just pound me with "this is what you're singing"...which is sort of a relief. After my voice teacher at home, I was really worried if I was going to get some ass...because Diane was so awesome, and I really liked that she let me pick my music. Anyway, Jamie Keena is my dude, here...and I really like him, but MAN I wish he could play the piano better. It's hard to hit the right notes when he's fumbling. But you know...nobody's perfect.
I *am* lonely. Sometimes it's all I can do to just sit in it. My fellow students are friendly, but you know...half my age (as is normal, but this group is...they have a strange vibe). Most of the time, age really doesn't seem to matter, but for whatever reason, this group has a really strong clicque attachment to one another. So...I just do my thing, and occupy my space, and try to manifest in not-terribly-destructive ways. My teachers are not warm and fuzzy, at all. Usually I have one or two that I really jive with...but not so much, here. I mean, they're not mean, or anything, they're just ... in a bubble, or something. I don't know. Of course I've only been here for what amounts to five weeks of school. Speaking of that, this coming week is midterm.
I hope that y'all are well, and happy and content. If you're not those things, I hope that you are working to make those things happen for yourselves...because nobody else can do it for ya.
:)
Entry tags:
NYC...not for the faint-of-heart
Yo..this NYC gig is getting *interesting*...like...OMG...this might be the death of us all.
One actor is ummm...let's say "flighty". Another actor is taking 2 weeks of vacation...right in the middle of our whole six week rehearsal period. Another actor just got cast in a Bogdonavich movie which is shooting...wait for it...
...
...
...
during the same time period that actor 2 is going to be on vacation.
Did I mention that this is a 3 person play?
Pass the Valium Xanax Whiskey Cocktail, please. Make it 2...my director needs one, as well.
This rehearsal schedule would be laughable if it wasn't so painful.
I think they'd push it back, if it hadn't been pushed back once, already...and that was because actor #3 (the one in the movie, now) got cast in a Broadway play...which, by the way, is extending well into the rehearsal period for the play *we're* doing...by two weeks.
If we pull this shit off, I'm puttin' a feather in my cap, and demanding a star in my crown.
One actor is ummm...let's say "flighty". Another actor is taking 2 weeks of vacation...right in the middle of our whole six week rehearsal period. Another actor just got cast in a Bogdonavich movie which is shooting...wait for it...
...
...
...
during the same time period that actor 2 is going to be on vacation.
Did I mention that this is a 3 person play?
Pass the Valium Xanax Whiskey Cocktail, please. Make it 2...my director needs one, as well.
This rehearsal schedule would be laughable if it wasn't so painful.
I think they'd push it back, if it hadn't been pushed back once, already...and that was because actor #3 (the one in the movie, now) got cast in a Broadway play...which, by the way, is extending well into the rehearsal period for the play *we're* doing...by two weeks.
If we pull this shit off, I'm puttin' a feather in my cap, and demanding a star in my crown.
Entry tags:
(no subject)
There's really nothing going on in my life, right now, that's worth writing about. I work. I come home. Home is not pleasant, at present. When *has* it been pleasant in the last couple of years?
I'm freaking exhausted.
I'm freaking exhausted.
Entry tags:
Looking for friends...
Hey....all two of you who are reading....my friend, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
artkouros is looking for some new lj friends. Here is the link: http://artkouros.livejournal.com/1358697.html?style=mine#comments If you have friends who are like-minded with him, please post this to your journal, so that my lovely, smart, talented friend can have more interaction on his LJ!
Much thanks.
:)
artkouros is looking for some new lj friends. Here is the link: http://artkouros.livejournal.com/1358697.html?style=mine#comments If you have friends who are like-minded with him, please post this to your journal, so that my lovely, smart, talented friend can have more interaction on his LJ! Much thanks.
:)
meme of doom.
1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? I used to, but no more.
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Texted...does that count?
3. Have you taken someones virginity? Yes...one...and not that long ago in the scheme of things...2 years or so, I guess.
4. Is trust a big issue for you? Huge, and for good reason.
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes. Liking is hard work.
6. What are you excited for? At the moment, not one doggoned thing.
7. What happened tonight? It's not "tonight" yet, but what happened this morning was that I found something accidentally, and once again, feel that my trust has been betrayed by the person who is supposed to love me. Thus, "liking is hard work."
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? No more disgusting than when guys get really wasted.
9. Is confidence cute? Cute? CUTE? No...but it's empowering, and being empowered is wonderful.
10. What is the last beverage you had? Diet Mountain Dew
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Fully? Zero.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Alas, no. I do not own a pair of skinny legs to put them on.
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Nary a clue.
14. What are you going to spend money on next? Probably something exciting like coffee.
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? FSVO "going out".
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? I don't know, but I just found out that I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder...by a shrink...who has never met me...but who is *so* smart, that she can diagnose people by hearing stories about them from someone else. Can you say "unethical"? I knew you could. So...from that diagnosis, I guess I can/could/should be all over the effing map, changing.
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? 2 people...neither of whom LJ, but who are huge parts of my realtime life.
18. The last time you felt broken? Couple of weeks ago
19. Have you had sex today? Yes.
20. Are you starting to realize anything? there is nothing new under the sun to realize.
21. Are you in a good mood? Compared to...?
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Couldn't be much different from walking with people.
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? No.
24. What do you want right this second? Financial security.
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I don't know...hard to say without it happening.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Mostly...just the tips in the front are still reddish.
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No...I spend enough time not laughing...I need to have fun with the person I choose to spend my time with.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? I don't recall...something funny said by someone at my house for Easter. Probably my friend Amy..she's a stitch.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Right this minute, nope...later, probably. Sometimes it is good to spend time alone.
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? No...some people don't deserve a first chance.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? No...but he's hardly a "boy".
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? He's more in the know about it than I am, it seems.
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No, I'm one of those people that never drinks water.
34. Listening to? Erm...some Law & Order or another on the tube.
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Just to make notations in music or a script
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Probably at his house...or somewhere in the environs, thereof.
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? I don't know that I believe in love, at all.
38. Who did you last call? Andreas, Chris's son.
39. Who was the last person you danced with? Rich. I miss Rich. Eh...screw that noise.
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? It seemed like a good idea, at the time.
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? I believe it was a year or so ago at Barnes and Noble...from their Starbuck's...it made me abominably sick.
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No. One is dead, and one is 1,500 or so miles away.
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? More than likely, yes...I embarrass myself frequently.
44. Do you tan in the nude? I did once, in a tanning bed, and ended up with bright red stripes. I no longer tan, and I'm not big on being nekkid, either.
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? No, it was a nice kiss, as far as kisses go.
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Actually, yes.
47. Who was the last person to call you? My friend, Amy.
48. Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes.
49. Do you dance in the car? Nah...I'm not much of a dancer.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 2010
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No...they revoke my actor card if I say yes.
53. Is Christmas stressful? No more stressful than any other holiday that gets dumped in my lap.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? Yes, not fond.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple, I guess.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A farmer, a long-haul truck driver, a school teacher, a nurse.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Mostly no, but maybe?
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Sometimes.
59. Take a vitamin daily? I go through periods of being really good about it. Not in one of those periods, at present.
60. Wear slippers? Yup...have 'em on, right now...they are ugly but very toasty...they look like Uggs.
61. Wear a bath robe? If I'm very cold, I'll sling one on over my clothes.
62. What do you wear to bed? Generally a sleep shirt or tee shirt.
63. First concert? I think it was Tom T. Hall...or maybe Don Williams. Not sure which came first. Tom, I think.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Yep...all of 'em.
65. Nike or Adidas? New Balance...men's...extra wide. My feet are built like boxes, not like shoes.
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts...in the shell
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Nothing springs to mind. Pass the Patti Loveless.
69. Ever take dance lessons? No. I'm a klutz.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? That would imply future marriage...which is highly unlikely.
71. Can you curl your tongue? Yeah.
72. Ever won a spelling bee? Yes...in my Freshman year of high school...I beat our class valedictorian, and everybody booed me. Ah, sweet memories.
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Probably...but don't recall it.
74. What is your favorite book? I've always been partial to 'The World According To Garp'.
75. Do you study better with or without music? Without. I cannot concentrate with music playing...I end up humming or singing along.
76. Regularly burn incense? No...scents bug me.
77. Ever been in love? I don't know.
78. Who would you like to see in concert? Willie Nelson. Always.
79. What was the last concert you saw? Mannheim Steamroller
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Iced.
81. Tea or coffee? Coffee
82. Favorite type of cookie? Oatmeal Raisin, I think.
83. Can you swim well? Well? No, but I can swim.
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.
85. Are you patient? No, never...about anything.
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? As long as it's not my wedding, and I'm not required to attend, I could care less.
87. Ever won a contest? I won a camera once in 4-H...I sold the most chances to win a quilt.
88. Ever have plastic surgery? Yep.
89. Which are better black or green olives? Black.
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Sounds good to me.
91. Best room for a fireplace? Whatever room I'm in...I'm always cold.
92. Do you want to get married? I can't even *imagine* wanting to get married.
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? Texted...does that count?
3. Have you taken someones virginity? Yes...one...and not that long ago in the scheme of things...2 years or so, I guess.
4. Is trust a big issue for you? Huge, and for good reason.
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? Yes. Liking is hard work.
6. What are you excited for? At the moment, not one doggoned thing.
7. What happened tonight? It's not "tonight" yet, but what happened this morning was that I found something accidentally, and once again, feel that my trust has been betrayed by the person who is supposed to love me. Thus, "liking is hard work."
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? No more disgusting than when guys get really wasted.
9. Is confidence cute? Cute? CUTE? No...but it's empowering, and being empowered is wonderful.
10. What is the last beverage you had? Diet Mountain Dew
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Fully? Zero.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Alas, no. I do not own a pair of skinny legs to put them on.
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? Nary a clue.
14. What are you going to spend money on next? Probably something exciting like coffee.
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? FSVO "going out".
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? I don't know, but I just found out that I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder...by a shrink...who has never met me...but who is *so* smart, that she can diagnose people by hearing stories about them from someone else. Can you say "unethical"? I knew you could. So...from that diagnosis, I guess I can/could/should be all over the effing map, changing.
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? 2 people...neither of whom LJ, but who are huge parts of my realtime life.
18. The last time you felt broken? Couple of weeks ago
19. Have you had sex today? Yes.
20. Are you starting to realize anything? there is nothing new under the sun to realize.
21. Are you in a good mood? Compared to...?
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? Couldn't be much different from walking with people.
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? No.
24. What do you want right this second? Financial security.
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I don't know...hard to say without it happening.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Mostly...just the tips in the front are still reddish.
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No...I spend enough time not laughing...I need to have fun with the person I choose to spend my time with.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? I don't recall...something funny said by someone at my house for Easter. Probably my friend Amy..she's a stitch.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Right this minute, nope...later, probably. Sometimes it is good to spend time alone.
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? No...some people don't deserve a first chance.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? No...but he's hardly a "boy".
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? He's more in the know about it than I am, it seems.
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No, I'm one of those people that never drinks water.
34. Listening to? Erm...some Law & Order or another on the tube.
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? Just to make notations in music or a script
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? Probably at his house...or somewhere in the environs, thereof.
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? I don't know that I believe in love, at all.
38. Who did you last call? Andreas, Chris's son.
39. Who was the last person you danced with? Rich. I miss Rich. Eh...screw that noise.
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? It seemed like a good idea, at the time.
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? I believe it was a year or so ago at Barnes and Noble...from their Starbuck's...it made me abominably sick.
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No. One is dead, and one is 1,500 or so miles away.
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? More than likely, yes...I embarrass myself frequently.
44. Do you tan in the nude? I did once, in a tanning bed, and ended up with bright red stripes. I no longer tan, and I'm not big on being nekkid, either.
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? No, it was a nice kiss, as far as kisses go.
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Actually, yes.
47. Who was the last person to call you? My friend, Amy.
48. Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes.
49. Do you dance in the car? Nah...I'm not much of a dancer.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? Yes.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 2010
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? No...they revoke my actor card if I say yes.
53. Is Christmas stressful? No more stressful than any other holiday that gets dumped in my lap.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? Yes, not fond.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple, I guess.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A farmer, a long-haul truck driver, a school teacher, a nurse.
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Mostly no, but maybe?
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Sometimes.
59. Take a vitamin daily? I go through periods of being really good about it. Not in one of those periods, at present.
60. Wear slippers? Yup...have 'em on, right now...they are ugly but very toasty...they look like Uggs.
61. Wear a bath robe? If I'm very cold, I'll sling one on over my clothes.
62. What do you wear to bed? Generally a sleep shirt or tee shirt.
63. First concert? I think it was Tom T. Hall...or maybe Don Williams. Not sure which came first. Tom, I think.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Yep...all of 'em.
65. Nike or Adidas? New Balance...men's...extra wide. My feet are built like boxes, not like shoes.
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts...in the shell
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Nothing springs to mind. Pass the Patti Loveless.
69. Ever take dance lessons? No. I'm a klutz.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? That would imply future marriage...which is highly unlikely.
71. Can you curl your tongue? Yeah.
72. Ever won a spelling bee? Yes...in my Freshman year of high school...I beat our class valedictorian, and everybody booed me. Ah, sweet memories.
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Probably...but don't recall it.
74. What is your favorite book? I've always been partial to 'The World According To Garp'.
75. Do you study better with or without music? Without. I cannot concentrate with music playing...I end up humming or singing along.
76. Regularly burn incense? No...scents bug me.
77. Ever been in love? I don't know.
78. Who would you like to see in concert? Willie Nelson. Always.
79. What was the last concert you saw? Mannheim Steamroller
80. Hot tea or cold tea? Iced.
81. Tea or coffee? Coffee
82. Favorite type of cookie? Oatmeal Raisin, I think.
83. Can you swim well? Well? No, but I can swim.
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.
85. Are you patient? No, never...about anything.
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? As long as it's not my wedding, and I'm not required to attend, I could care less.
87. Ever won a contest? I won a camera once in 4-H...I sold the most chances to win a quilt.
88. Ever have plastic surgery? Yep.
89. Which are better black or green olives? Black.
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? Sounds good to me.
91. Best room for a fireplace? Whatever room I'm in...I'm always cold.
92. Do you want to get married? I can't even *imagine* wanting to get married.
(no subject)
I had a great birthday, (Saturday)...it was fun...Chris took me shopping, and I got a shitload of *stuff*.
On the other hand, I'm lonely for human touch...for...sexytimes.
And...the show I was just helping direct...is over.
Aliza saw to it that every techie hates my everloving guts...and they don't even *know* me...at all...never even met any of them...yet they hate me.
I found out...via third party...who got nominated for awards for performing in the show.
I feel totally superfluous.
I am not enjoying my life, one bit.
I feel like a fucking afterthought.
I'm a little pissed about everything.
On the other hand, I'm lonely for human touch...for...sexytimes.
And...the show I was just helping direct...is over.
Aliza saw to it that every techie hates my everloving guts...and they don't even *know* me...at all...never even met any of them...yet they hate me.
I found out...via third party...who got nominated for awards for performing in the show.
I feel totally superfluous.
I am not enjoying my life, one bit.
I feel like a fucking afterthought.
I'm a little pissed about everything.
Entry tags:
(no subject)
I've always wanted to be creative...and now I learn that I can't express my emotions, so being creative is right out.
Well...acting is right out. I'm 5 for 5 on refusals....rejections....for MFA programs...and this last one actually sent me a letter indicating "WHY". I'm not in touch with my emotions...I can't portray them. I have no natural talent, and therefore nothing to build on. I've spent my whole life pushing down my emotions so I don't have to feel them, and now when I Need to feel them, they are not there.
Singing...I have an average voice...and that's only because I've beat it into submission...and worked on it to be more than merely mediocre. I'm never going to have what it takes to sing in any venue besides with a choir, or in front of friends who love me.
Before any of this, I wanted to be a horse person...and I had horses all my life, but was never a natural horseman...and only ever got up to about mediocre...Do we see a pattern, here?
I just am at a loss...I don't know what to do next.
There's probably more to write, but I have to go to work. At least I'm good at that. Too bad I don't enjoy it.
Well...acting is right out. I'm 5 for 5 on refusals....rejections....for MFA programs...and this last one actually sent me a letter indicating "WHY". I'm not in touch with my emotions...I can't portray them. I have no natural talent, and therefore nothing to build on. I've spent my whole life pushing down my emotions so I don't have to feel them, and now when I Need to feel them, they are not there.
Singing...I have an average voice...and that's only because I've beat it into submission...and worked on it to be more than merely mediocre. I'm never going to have what it takes to sing in any venue besides with a choir, or in front of friends who love me.
Before any of this, I wanted to be a horse person...and I had horses all my life, but was never a natural horseman...and only ever got up to about mediocre...Do we see a pattern, here?
I just am at a loss...I don't know what to do next.
There's probably more to write, but I have to go to work. At least I'm good at that. Too bad I don't enjoy it.
(no subject)
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/homemade-black-bean-veggie-burgers/detail.aspx
http://www.active.com/nutrition/Articles/13-Ways-to-Maintain-Your-Weight-Loss.htm?cmp=17-7-898
Just a couple of links I want to keep track of.
I'm off to Ogunquit, ME to officiate a beach wedding! It's like a little vacation with two very good friends. Should be a blast!
I'm re-doing week 1 of C25K for the THIRD time. Until the cigarettes are gone, I'll keep doing week 1...because I don't think I can breathe through week 2. I've started Chantix...this is day 3. I've tried to quit a million times, by myself, and it just never sticks, so I decided to use a crutch, this time...because I really want to be done with the habit...evidently not enough to do it by myself...but it's a tough addiction. Trying to not gain weight while quitting smoking...yikes...be strong, Kelly!
And on that note, I'm outta here!
*waves*
http://www.active.com/nutrition/Articles/13-Ways-to-Maintain-Your-Weight-Loss.htm?cmp=17-7-898
Just a couple of links I want to keep track of.
I'm off to Ogunquit, ME to officiate a beach wedding! It's like a little vacation with two very good friends. Should be a blast!
I'm re-doing week 1 of C25K for the THIRD time. Until the cigarettes are gone, I'll keep doing week 1...because I don't think I can breathe through week 2. I've started Chantix...this is day 3. I've tried to quit a million times, by myself, and it just never sticks, so I decided to use a crutch, this time...because I really want to be done with the habit...evidently not enough to do it by myself...but it's a tough addiction. Trying to not gain weight while quitting smoking...yikes...be strong, Kelly!
And on that note, I'm outta here!
*waves*